Fitness as Self-Care

The fatphobia and ableism that permeate society as we know it also guided my past relationship with fitness. I worked out to achieve an aesthetic and arbitrarily decided upon magical weight. I saw the workouts as punishment for finding pleasure in food or rest. I had no goals for which I was working towards aside from escaping a body shape, size and function deemed undesirable. Not surprisingly, I found no lasting joy in these workouts. It was easy to break the fitness habits I developed, because the relationship was toxic.

Fast forward to 2016. Following the birth of my second child and first daughter, I began to question the ways in which I judged my body, the messaging from society that would impact her psyche and influence her self image.

During this time, I also entered a period of depression and increased anxiety. I sought professional help and was not surprised that “you should try working out” was suggested more than once. Didn’t they know I was already familiar with exercise? Didn’t they know I had already tried and continued to do all types of workouts? Obviously, movement as medicine was for other people, not me. As luck would have it, a close friend of mine had a road race around this time. Watching their commitment to training motivated me to revisit running as my chosen form of movement. I figured running for a race that benefits a good cause would keep me consistent with my training With that in mind, I signed up for my first St. Jude half marathon.

Little did I know, the structure and focus on performance associated with training for a race would completely reshape my views on fitness. The growing seeds of discomfort I was feeling regarding fatphobia and body image were watered as I trained for my half marathon. I developed habits that helped me to focus in ways I had never focused on fitness in the past. I was more concerned with my ability to move and the joy I felt during that movement. I learned that training for a long-distance run can change body composition and the way weight is retained. I saw firsthand during this training that the level of fitness I gained was not in any way correlated to the desired aesthetics I associated with health and fitness. I was my healthiest, happiest, most fit and also my heaviest weight. Finding that I could push myself to new levels of fitness, that I could dedicate myself to something and work towards it completely changed my relationship with my body. Not only did it change how I judged my body, but also my dedication to me.

Running not only became a way to challenge myself and get those oh so desired happy hormones and endorphins, it became my time of self care. I always felt like my responsibilities to those around me were priorities I could not reschedule or leave behind. Running became one of those responsibilities. Unlike my other responsibilities, running was time for me. Not for my spouse at the time, not my family and friends, and not for my children. The time spent running was time that was solely for my own self-improvement. The time I spent on my feet running reminded me that I too was worthy of time. Showing myself the care and consideration it took to schedule hours upon hours per week to run and train reminded me that I am strong. I will never be sure if it was the hormones, seeing my growth in running new distances, becoming faster and stronger, how strong my lungs had become, showing my children that I am owed time and care, but I began to develop a sense of self-worth and increased self esteem I had not ever had before.

Dedicating time to myself and my own improvement didn’t save the world. I am sure it will introduce its own body issues to be addressed with my daughter in the future as well. It also didn’t solve all of my issues with depression and anxiety. Running for training purposes did help me to develop a healthy and performance based relationship with fitness, rather than one driven by aesthetics and weight loss. Running showed me the importance of making time for self-care. Running helped me to prioritize my needs in ways I typically reserved for those around me. Running gave me time to process emotions that had sometimes been pushed aside for later. Running did and can improve mental health. Using movement is one piece of my self-care/mental maintenance puzzle, and it has been a game changer.